Found by Losing

This summer has a theme.

Cliché Alert: The past few months have taught me several things about myself. They have also taught me many things about not myself. This summer has been filled with travels, getting lost, and finding myself. Actually, every time I went anywhere I somehow got lost. Though, every time I got lost I somehow quickly found my way. The only thing about this lame truth that makes it different from any other time is that I was on my own. So in a way, it was very lonely, free, and open-ended.

In fact, this entire summer has been unwritten. I like to think that if a story is written it must have a happy ending. Well, this summer wasn't a story, but it was life. It is unwritten.

I'm really sad right now. I'm sad that I've made the best of friends during my time in Pittsburgh summer. I'm sad that I have to see them leave. I'm sad that leaving Pittsburgh makes me homesick. I'm even remotely sad that I have an incredible amount of freedom. Yes, the independence makes me sad (in almost the same way that mudslides in China make me sad).

I have been lost. I have made wrong turns. I have discovered dangerous areas. I have been confused. I have continued to juggle with my emotions. I have beaten my own drum. I have lost myself in places I'd rather not be. I have lost myself.

I'm looking forward to being happy soon. I'm happy that I am moving soon. I'm happy that my new place will be filled with the generous amount of free furniture that is beginning to make my bedroom difficult to walk through. I'm happy that I have really good friends who are staying at least for a while. I'm happy that, in turn, I will be staying for a while. I'm happy that classes will be starting soon so that I can get back into a routine. I'm happy that many people who were far away won't be. I'm happy that I have a plan. Plans make me happy.

In all this, I find myself. I transform wrong turns into adventures that lead to home. I experience dangerous areas so that I can grow stronger. I feel confusion so that I can try to make sense of it for myself. I practice juggling so that I won't fall. I have my own beat, but it's part of a beautiful symphony. I learn from uncomfortable experiences and people. (This doesn't always mean I apply those lessons.) I find myself. Little by little.

August is usually my month to shine. This one is especially special. Though I usually play some metaphorical game of hide-and-seek, this time, this year, it was with myself. And this time I am winning. Hopefully I will.

*crosses fingers*

It is found by losing.

Photo credit: http://www.zastavki.com/